


Kiss My Arse

by thequidditchpitch_archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Comedy, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-War, Rimming, Romance, Slash, The Quidditch Pitch: The Changing Room
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-05-23
Updated: 2008-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-27 12:06:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10808691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thequidditchpitch_archivist/pseuds/thequidditchpitch_archivist
Summary: Harry/Ron. Harry discovers something about himself on stag night. Notes: Fred is alive in this, and it was my first slash story, hencse the schmaltz.





	Kiss My Arse

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

_I'd known from the start that it was a terrible idea, and if I hadn't been so fucking horny, I might have been able to stop myself_. As it was, I was being blown by Colin Creevey in the gents of a strip joint in Diagon Alley.

I’m not sure why the place was called _Brooms exactly_ (1), when the witches didn’t even take their knickers off, but I was there for Fred’s stag party. He was getting married to Angelina two days later, so we were all looking forward to getting pissed without repercussions in the morning. Especially Fred. In any case, we were surrounded by tits, and that in and of itself was a good thing- though I would have preferred them to not get so bloody close. It seemed that all the girls wanted to flaunt them for the Chosen One, and I could swear that I had a nipple smudge on my specs. Aside from that I was having a good time. We all were.

What none of us had expected that evening, however, was Seamus arriving with none other than Terry Boot. Though we all knew that Terry was gay, I certainly didn’t realize that they’d come together until after Seamus had knocked back a few rounds of firewhiskey. Going out, I thought, though I’m sure coming was also part of the arrangement. Seamus started running his hand across Terry’s shoulder and didn’t stop until he had to visit the loo. But if there was any doubt left about what was going on, it certainly disappeared when we all saw Terry stare at Seamus’s arse with a lascivious smile as he walked away. And the table went quiet for a while.

The look on Ron’s face when he asked for two more _bottles_ of Ogdens was rather entertaining. And by the time Seamus and Terry finally got up to dance we were all pretty sloshed, so we took the golden opportunity to confer.

“I had no idea,” Neville started.

“So he’s a shirtlifter, then?” asked Ron.

“Well, it’s not exclusive,” said Dean, rubbing his jaw nervously. “I mean, he does swing both ways. He still likes women.” He nodded vehemently as if to reassure us.

“Oh. Right,” Ron muttered. Judging by his expression, he was either going to vomit or laugh. I couldn’t really tell which.

Neville seemed to be taking it in stride. “Why do people say that?" he asked. "Shirtlifter, I mean. Don't girls get their shirts lifted, too?"

“I dunno,” I answered.

Truth be told, I didn’t have a problem with it in the slightest. If the rise in my pants was any indication, I quite liked the idea. In fact, I was surprised that this had never occurred to me before.

Of course, after 10 shots of firewhisky and something of an epiphany, I finally understood why Colin was looking at _me_ from across the bar, instead of the strippers.

Which leads up to me having my pants around my ankles in the gents, and Colin’s rather talented mouth sucking on my balls.

Don’t misunderstand, I was enjoying myself, but when I came yelling Ron’s name at the top of my lungs (thank Merlin for silencing charms!), you could say I had another sort of epiphany. As well as a very angry Colin glaring up at me through his fringe.

Oh. Shit.

"I'm so sorry, Colin. Please don't take this personally, but I have to go." I’d make up to him later, I told myself. The poor bloke must have carried a torch since Hogwarts.

I ran out of there so quickly I only realized that I’d forgotten to do up my fly after I’d sat back down next to Neville.

Ron looked across the table at me suspiciously. “What took you so long?”

He glanced over at the door to the gents just as Colin was stepping out, still tucking his shirt back in.

He looked back at me.

And he blanched.

Then he turned red. I started to get worried. Worried that he’d put two and two together and realised what had just happened in there with Colin, and worried that he’d never forgive me if he did. I mean, I knew that he was as straight as an arrow, so I wasn’t concerned that he’d be jealous or anything - just that he’d be pissed off. Colin wasn’t Malfoy, but he _was_ a kiss-arse.

“Harry, could I talk to you outside for a minute?”

I felt sick.

We walked into the alley next to the club, and Ron asked quietly, “Were you in there with Colin?”

I didn’t expect him to be so direct. I didn’t expect him to care. I didn’t know why I suddenly felt so good. Something about the way he was looking at me screamed _possessive._ The way he sort of leaned into me and backed me against the wall. The way his mouth was twisted up in a different expression than I’d anticipated. Did this mean what I thought it meant? Was I imagining this tension?

He alternated between looking at my forehead and the nearby pavement. It felt like hours passed before I figured out what to say.

My heart was thumping, and now that we were outside the club I could smell him. His scent went straight to my knees. It took me so off-guard, so suddenly that I had to grab his shoulder for stability.

Which led to looking into his eyes.

“Um, yes. I’ve never done that before. I mean… I’ve never been… period. That’s… um. I’m sorry?” I stammered. I wasn’t quite sure why I was apologising.

Ron lifted his eyebrows and looked as though I’d just said I was Percy. Bewildered. “You’re sorry? I didn’t mean to accuse you exactly, you have nothing to be sorry for. Erm. I guess I wanted…” he trailed off.

“You wanted what, Ron?” I wasn’t about to let him off the hook so easily. Not now that I knew I wanted him to fuck me. Where had that come from? I wanted _him_ to fuck _me_. Interesting.

“Harry, are you listening to me?” Oh. Apparently he’d been talking. “I mean, I’m fine with you being that way if that’s what you want. I’m just confused is all.”

“Confused? Do you mean to say that you-”

“What? I mean, erm, the whole Ginny thing.”

“Oh. Yeah, well maybe I’m like Seamus,” I said defiantly.

He just stared at my shoes. It felt like minutes passed. Suddenly he broke from his reverie and looked straight at me. His eyes were dark. His breath was heavy, and his voice was deep.

“Do you think that you might- that you- Oh fuck it all,” he broke off.

I couldn’t let him keep talking. Not when he was being such a bloody idiot. So I did the only thing that seemed appropriate- I kissed him. I grabbed his shoulders, I reached up and I kissed him.

He tasted good, and I can’t think how to describe it, except to say that he tasted familiar. Comforting. Hot.

And he was kissing me back. My Ron.

“You never said anything…” I breathed.

“I know, but I thought about it so bloody much,” he murmured. He ran his thumbs over my cheekbones and I felt _protected_ , which was strange. That’s usually my job.

“Are you sure?”

“I’ve thought about this since we were both 14, Harry. I’m sure.”

He looked at me, and I looked back. I wondered at how it had taken me this long to consider Ron this way- and I marveled at his discretion. “Since we were 14?” I squeaked.

He looked extremely embarrassed, judging by how red he was, but he soon collected himself and answered in a husky voice, “Yeah. I’ve always wondered, you know? I’ve never done this before either.” He wrapped his arms around me and took a deep breath.

“But I’m sorry, Colin? _Colin_ , Harry? He has _no_ right to touch you.” I knew that Ron could be territorial, but when applied to me it went straight to my cock. “If you want to experiment it’s going to be with me. Not that I’m experimenting. You should know that straight off.”

I must have been utterly starry eyed, because his face lit up and he started nibbling on my earlobe. Then he grabbed my arse and squeezed, pulling me close to rub our cocks together. Helga’s teat, it felt good!  I let out a small cry.

Ron froze. “Do you want me to stop?”

“Don’t you dare, you git,” I breathed. To further make my point, I pushed my hand down his pants. Wow.

_“Bloody hell, Ron, you walk around with this thing every day? How the fuck do you keep it hidden?”_   For a moment I felt slightly inadequate, but then he started fucking my mouth with his tongue and I had no other choice but to stop being such a pansy.

He rubbed up against my hand then.

I rubbed back.

Then he side-longed me to his flat.

He walked me into the kitchen and kissed me until I was breathless. He’d undone my shirt buttons while I hadn’t even noticed, and started pushing off my shoes.

He stopped and looked at me. His hair was like a halo with the small light behind him. I was secretly pleased that I could still make out his freckles in the dimness. He kissed my forehead, then smirked at me and said “I want to make sure you to understand what’s happening here. I plan on having my way with you.” I started to laugh, but then he bit my neck and licked my ear. My body was thrumming with anticipation. I needed to touch him again.

I grabbed him around the waist and began pulling his shirt off. Mine quickly followed, and he once again attacked my neck. He kissed his way down my stomach and undid my belt. I started to worry that I was being a bit passive. I mean, he was really taking charge here. Then my body reminded me that I didn’t give a fuck so I stopped thinking. Before I could reach for his fly he slammed me chest-down over the kitchen table and pulled down my jeans so fast that my feet were lifted into the air as he tugged them off. He grabbed my cheeks and spread them. I could feel his nose between them. I heard him inhale deeply and let out a shaky breath. “Mine,” he whispered.

Oh. Godric.

He was _smelling_ me. I thought that I couldn't possibly get any more turned on than this. That's when he murmured something that sounded like "delicious" and started thrusting his tongue into my hole. He licked me. He fucked me with his tongue. He swirled it around and tasted me. He bit me. He went on for what seemed like ages darting and lapping and nibbling. I was wrong. I _could_ get more turned on.

"I have to fuck you _now_ , Harry."

And with that he thrust into me. At that point I was positively dripping with Ron, so he slid right in. There. My mind no longer functioned. I couldn't form a coherent word. I just grunted and whined as he pounded relentlessly into me. I heard him say things like _so good_ and _fuck_ and _tight_ with every thrust. I could feel his fingernails dig into my hips harder and harder. Oh, this was ecstasy. This was bliss.

Suddenly he stopped and leaned over me in a hug. His hips were shaking uncontrollably and I could feel his breath touch me and his come fill me.

He breathed for a few moments and then pulled out and flipped me around. He lifted my arse onto the table and threw my knees over his shoulders as he knelt down. Just like that he swallowed me down and he sucked. Hard. Merlin, this was nothing like it was with Colin. He looked up at me and we locked eyes. That's when I came; shouting. I think I said _yes_. I _know_ I said Ron.

We both said love. And found we didn’t need words after that.

_Endnote: Broom is used as a euphemism for lady bits, which I would never have known about if I hadn’t read that UK porn mag in high school._


End file.
